Bob, The Newest X-Man
by fuzzyblue
Summary: Prof X recruits some new members, including Bob the Builder, Barney and Dora. *IT'S FINISHED!!!* Warning: This story is hazardous to your brain cells.
1. Meet The New Recruits

DISCLAIMER: The X-Men belong to the sadistic little [BEEP]'s at Marvel. Too Much Coffee Man belongs to Shannon Wheeler. Caillou belongs to Joceline Sanschagrin. Bob the Builder belongs to Keith Chapman. Dora the Explorer belongs to the people down at Nick Jr. And just in case I do end up using him, Barney the Dinosaur is a trademark of Lyons Partnership. I am using all these characters without permission. If you wanna sue me, you'd have better luck squeezing blood from a stone than squeezing money out of an empty pocket.   
  
  
SUMMARY: I've had snitches of an idea for a new sillific. Now that I am actually sitting down in front of the computer and stuffing myself with candy like there's no tomorrow, I feel like it is the perfect time to start writing it. This is sort of continuing from my last story, The X-Men get the Blues (the sequel). Scott has left the X-Men to pursue a career as the new Steve on the Blue's Clues show (the characters of which the X-Men killed off in the first X-Men Get the Blues story). Anywaaays, the Prof is interviewing potential candidates to add to the X-Men team.   
  
WARNING: As in my other sillifics, there is a lot of Scott bashing!   
  
  
BOB, THE NEWEST X-MAN  
  
"SoyouhavemynameandnumberandmyresumeandyouwillcontactmeifIgetthejob, right?"  
  
"Yes, yes I will," replied the Professor through clenched teeth. He was currently trying to get a hyperactive, bouncing Too Much Coffee Man out of his office, and was very close to ramming him with his hoverchair.  
  
"Thankyousomuchyouhavenoideahowmuchthismeanstome..."  
  
Just a little closer, thought the professor as he nudged Too Much Coffee Man closer to the door. Just a little closer!  
  
"IreallyneedthisjobI'vebeenoutofworkforsolongI..."  
  
SLAM!!!  
  
The Professor leaned back wearily in his chair and breathed a huge sigh of relief. That last interview had take a full hour and a half: five minutes to interview, 40 minutes trying to make him stand still, and the rest of the time had been devoted to frequent washroom visits. He picked the man's resume off his desk and tossed it in the waste paper basket.   
  
There is no way in hell I'm ever letting that...that freak on my team! he thought angrily.   
  
He took another deep breath before telepathically contacting Jean and telling her to send in the last candidate.  
  
Sitting behind his desk, Charles heard the door open and close. He turned to greet the new interviewee, but didn't see anybody. He scratched his head, puzzled.  
  
"Hi!"  
  
Charles jumped (metaphorically speaking, of course), then peered over the edge of his desk. There stood a little man, two and a half feet tall, and wearing blue overalls and a yellow hardhat.  
  
"Er, hello. I'm Charles Xavier, head master of the School for Gifted Youngsters and founder of the X-Men. And you are?"  
  
"I'm Bob! Bob the Builder!" the man replied happily, with a silly grin plastered on his face.  
  
"Ah, Bob. I must ask you, what powers do you have?"  
  
"Powers?" Bob asked, looking a little confused.  
  
"Yes, powers. Special abilities that you can lend to the team," Charles explained.  
  
"Oh!" Bob exclaimed. "I can build or fix just about anything! With the help of my team, of course."  
  
The professor's eyes lit up. "Anything?" he asked.  
  
Bob nodded.  
  
The Prof sat back in his chair, an evil grinchy grin spreading slowly across his face.   
  
This guy has no mutant powers to speak of, but just imagine all the money I'll save in repairs to the mansion with a repairman on the team, he thought.  
  
"Bob, you're hired!"  
  
"Yay!"  
  
* * *  
  
The X-Men, well, most of the X-Men (Beast was absent), had assembled in the War Room to be introduced to the newest members of the X-Team.  
  
"Hmph. I thought you were only hiring one new member, Chuck," Wolverine commented. There were actually four new members.  
  
"Yes, but there a lot of people who responded to the job opening, and I felt that some of them would make valuable additions to the team."  
  
Wolverine shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever."  
  
"And starting from the right, this is Caillou."  
  
A little boy in a t-shirt and shorts stepped forward. "I want my mommy," he whined.  
  
"Er, professor?"  
  
"Yes, Jean?"  
  
"That's a four-year old boy."  
  
"I can see that."  
  
"Are you out of your mind?!"  
  
"Quite the contrary, Jean. Firstly, Caillou didn't apply at all. I just found him on the doorstep this morning with a note pinned to his shirt. Apparently his parents couldn't stand him anymore. Secondly, I thought, since Scott is no longer with us, we are lacking in a snivelling, whiny little crybaby whom the bad guys always target first, thereby giving the rest of the team a chance to swarm and attack. I think that Caillou is perfect for the job!"  
  
"I want my mommy!" the kid demanded again before bursting into tears and wailing his lungs out.  
  
"I can see your point," Jean commented while plugging her ears with her fingers.  
  
"Wolverine, no!" shouted Storm as the Canuck popped his claws.  
  
"But my ears are killing me, Ro!" he complained.  
  
Caillou started hyperventillating, then passed out. Prof X ignored him and moved on to the next one.   
  
"This," he said, indicating a little Latino girl with a monkey sitting on her shoulder, "is Dora."  
  
"Ola!"   
  
There was silence. Oh, and blinking. Much blinking ensued.  
  
"Professor," said Jean, "if we've already got one whining brat on the team, why are you adding another one?"  
  
"Oh, that isn't her function, Jean," the Prof replied. "Dora speaks Spanish. She can act as a translator for the team."  
  
"We have Hank for that, Professor. You know, the fuzzy blue guy who can speak 13 different languages?"  
  
"Hmmm...er...yes," the Prof replied, squirming visibly in his chair. "But...she'll be better with Public Relations. People will be less likely to run away from her since she isn't covered in blue fur and sporting claws and fangs."   
  
Jean was still unconvinced. "Professor, just how many non-bilingual, spanish-speaking villains do we face on a regular basis?"  
  
"None, to be exact," Storm piped up.  
  
"Alright, alright!" exclaimed the professor, finally giving in. "I received a letter from the Board of Rights Group stating that the X-Men are guilty of discrimination. I'm adding Dora to the team to increase the diversity of nationalities so they don't sue my butt! Now what's wrong with that?!"  
  
The monkey leaped from Dora's shoulder onto Logan, and started picking through the man's hair. Logan grabbed it by the tail and threw it on the floor.  
  
"Eep! Eep!" it cried as it scurried back to its owner. Dora stormed over to Wolverine and stomped on his foot.  
  
Wolvie howled in pain, then popped his claws. "Yer gonna pay fer that, kid!" he snarled.  
  
Just then, Caillou regained consciousness and started screaming his head off again.   
  
"Owww!! No more, no more!" cried Wolverine, covering his ears as he ran out of the room.   
  
"Is it just me, or does this introduction not seem to be going very well?" asked Storm. Nobody replied since they couldn't hear her over the kid's screaming.   
  
The noise was getting on Jean's nerves, too. "Here," she said to Caillou. "Have a cookie."  
  
The waterworks stopped immediately. Caillou grabbed the cookie out of her hand and stuffed it in his mouth. "I want more!"   
  
"No, I think one is enough..."  
  
Caillou's lower lip started to tremble.  
  
"Okay, okay! Here you go!" she said as she handed him the whole box. He danced happily over to a corner and began stuffing more cookies into his greedy little mouth.  
  
"Now, if we can get back to the introductions?" said a rather annoyed Professor.  
  
They all turned to face him.  
  
"Alright then. Now, this one here is Barney."  
  
A big, purple dinosaur ambled forward. "Hello everybody! Since it's such a beeeeautiful, sunshiny happy day outside, why don't well go out and play and become really, really good friends!"  
  
More blinking ensued. And gagging. Yes, Barney does have that affect on some people.  
  
"Barney has the ability to completely incapacitate any adult by causing them to gag and puke uncontrollably by simply uttering a few words. Oh, and his singing will scare away even the most steadfast of supervillians."  
  
Barney's eyes lit up at the mention of singing. "Let's sing a song! I love you, you love me..."  
  
The X-Men started bolting for the door. The Professor made Barney stop singing and called them back into the room.  
  
"And finally, the last, but not least, newest addition to the X-Men team is Bob!"  
  
The little man waved hello.  
  
There was more silence. Not stunned silence. On the contrary, they were becoming quite bored.  
  
"Alright, what does he do?" Jean asked, stifling a yawn.  
  
"Bob can build or fix anything!"  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"That's it? THAT'S IT?! Is that all you can say? Do you guys know how much money you cost me in repairs to the mansion? Do you know how much money I'm going to save by having him on the payroll?"  
  
The viens in his temples were starting to throb. "Calm down, Professor! We get the point!"  
  
The professor calmed down. "Now that you have all been introduced to each other, I think you should all take some time to get to know each other, and become friends."  
  
"Oh, goody!" said Barney. The X-Men cringed.  
  
"I expect great things from you, team!" said the professor. "Great things!"   
  
The prof's sentence was punctuated by the sound of Caillou ralfing in the corner. He had eaten too many cookies.  
  
"I want my mommy! WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"  
  
* * *  
  
continued 


	2. Hank Meets Bob

Hello! Just a note to the readers that I have absolutely no idea where this story is going. It's probably just a by-product of a sugar overdose. Hope you enjoy!  
  
  
CHAPTER TWO  
  
Beast was spending a quiet afternoon in his lab, filling test tubes, recording data, charting graphs, and basically tending to various projects. Then a voice from out of the blue startled him.  
  
"Use MY notebook!"  
  
Beast spun around, only to find that Sidetable drawer was pestering him once again.  
  
"Use MY notebook! MY NOTEBOOK!!!" screeched the incessant little piece of furniture.   
  
Beast backed away in horror, and bumped into his desk.   
  
"I thought...but I smashed you to splinters!" stammered Hank.   
  
An evil grin slowly spread across Sidetable Drawer's...er...face? "That's what YOU think!" she cackled.   
  
Beast lunged forward and pounded the Drawer to pieces with his fists. Then he stepped back, and breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
The relief didn't last long. All the individual pieces started moving. To his mounting alarm, they started to grow! In no time at all, he found himself surrounded by an army of Sidetable Drawers, each with their very own notebook that they desperately wanted him to use.  
  
"Notebook! Notebook! Notebook!" they chanted.  
  
Beast turned and leaped over the desk, and looked around frantically for a means of escape. Then he felt something grab his leg.   
  
"AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" he screamed. Then he looked down to see little felt people climbing allover him, tugging at his fur and chanting along with the furniture.  
  
"Notebook! NoteBOOK! NOTEBOOK!"  
  
Hank screamed, "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
* * *  
  
Beast's head shot off his desk and he nearly fell off his chair. He looked about frantically and, upon finding no trace of any sentient furniture, realized that it had only been a nightmare. He sighed deeply.  
  
I think I'll nip down to the kitchen for a bite to eat, he thought to himself. My nerves definitely need calming.  
  
Beast was making his way down a hallway when he heard, "Hello!"  
  
Hank jumped and spun around, expecting to see his arch nemesis, Sidetable Drawer. Instead, he spotted a two and a half foot tall man wearing a hardhat.  
  
Hank blinked. And blinked again. Then he blinked one more time for good measure.   
  
"Er, hello," he said uncertainly.   
  
"You might want to watch where you step," the little man responded cheerily. "We're making repairs in this area of the mansion."  
  
"We?" Hank looked around. To his amazement, he saw numerous, miniaturized machines working on various tasks.  
  
"What marvellous little mechanations!" Hank exclaimed as he bent down to pick one up. It screamed. Hank recoiled in horror.  
  
"Now, now, Lofty!" said Bob. "There's no need to be frightened!"   
  
A second machine, smaller than the first, started winding about Hank's legs in an excited manner.  
  
"Hi! I'm Dizzy! Who're you?" it happily cried.  
  
Hank screamed. Then he turned and ran.  
  
Bob scratched his head. "I wonder what's wrong with him?"  
  
* * *  
  
Hank didn't stop running till he had reached his lab, whereupon he opened a closet and jumped inside, slamming the door behind him.  
  
He sat down and hugged his knees to his chest. "Everything's fine...I'm not losing my mind...everything's fine...I'm not losing my mind..." he chanted over and over again as he rocked back and forth in the pitch-blackness.  
  
"Ola!"  
  
Hank stiffened as every nerve in his body turned to ice. There was...someTHING...in the closet. With him.  
  
With a trembling hand, Hank reached up and turned on the light. Very slowly, he turned his head to see who it was who had spoken. He saw no one.  
  
"Ola!"   
  
Hank jumped, then his eyes settled on the owner of that voice: a backpack.  
  
Yes, a backpack with eyes and a mouth. And it was talking to him. Hank trembled down to his toes.   
  
"Ola!" the backpack said for the third time. "Have you seen my friend, Dora?"  
  
Hank couldn't move, much less speak. He was petrified!  
  
Suddenly, an object peeked out from under the flap of the backpack. It looked like a piece of paper.  
  
"I'm the map! I'm the map! I'm the map!" it sang.  
  
Hank screamed. The door flew off its hinges as Hank bolted out of the closet. He didn't have a clue where he was going. All he knew was that he just had to get out of the mansion before any other normally inanimate objects popped out of the woodwork and tried to converse with him.  
  
* * *  
  
Jean and Storm where sitting in the study, enjoying a conversation and a cup of tea.  
  
"I honestly don't know just WHAT the professor is thinking! I mean, Bob's handy enough, but the two little kids are a nightmare!" Jean commented.  
  
"And that purple dinosaur gives me the creeps," Storm added, shuddering.  
  
Just then, the study door flew open and Beast ran in, screaming his head off. He didn't stop to talk, but continued running out the opposite door which led to the rec room.  
  
They watched him as he left, then returned to the conversation.   
  
"Care for a game of tennis?" Storm asked.  
  
"You're on!"  
  
* * *  
  
Reviews are always welcomed and appreciated. Thanx! 


	3. Family Ties

Thanks for the reviews, peoples! Now here's chapter three:  
  
CHAPTER 3: Family Ties  
  
  
Logan was sitting on the couch in the rec room, watching TV.  
  
(SCOTT: Where's the clue? I don't see the clue!)  
  
(KIDS: It's over there, moron!)  
  
Logan enjoyed watching Blue's Clues. Not the old season, but the new season. He found watching Scott being pushed around by little kids to be quite hilarious.  
  
(SCOTT: Oh! Mr. Ketchup and Mrs. Mustard have sprayed the dirty window with Windex! What should I do next?)  
  
(KIDS: Lick it off!)  
  
(SCOTT: That's right! Lick it...wait a minute. Are you sure that's in the script?)   
  
(DIRECTOR: Do whatever the little kids say, man!)  
  
(SCOTT: Er..okay...*lick lick lick* Yuk! Alwight kidz, now thath the winnow ith cleann, leth wook for our nex cue!)  
  
Normally, this would have left Wolverine in stitches, but there was someone else watching the show with him: Caillou. The little brat was sitting on the other end of the couch, eyes glued to the TV. The only reason that Logan hadn't kicked him out, however, was that the show was actually keeping the kid quiet.   
  
Bobby walked in. "Hey, Logan! Have you seen Hank anywheres?" he asked.  
  
"He ran screaming through here 'bout half an hour ago."  
  
"Ran? Was his fur on fire?"  
  
"No. Should it have been?"  
  
"No...but that's what happened the last time he ran around screaming."  
  
"How'd it catch on fire?"  
  
"Botched experiment."  
  
"Hank screwed up?!"  
  
A sheepish expression appeared on Bobby's face. "Not Hank, actually..."  
  
Logan rolled his eyes. "Ya don't have ta tell me. But what did ya want Hank for?"  
  
"I've got a scientific question to ask him!"  
  
Logan snorted. "If ya want to know the chemical make-up of Sugar Bombs, just read the label, Popsicle."  
  
"Ha ha. This has nothing to do with Sugar Bombs!"  
  
"Then I guess yer just gonna have ta wait till Hank gets back, then."  
  
Bobby's face fell. "I guess your right...wait a minute!" A huge smile appeared. "YOU can help me!"  
  
"THERE IS NO WAY IN FLAMIN' HELL I'M EVER GONNA HELP YOU IN ONE OF YER HAIRBRAINED SCHEMES, DRAKE!!!" Logan roared.  
  
Undaunted, Bobby continued. "I need you to get a blood sample from Caillou!"  
  
A smile slowly spread across Logan's face. An evil, twisted smile that would scare the heck out of even the most seasoned criminal. He turned his head slowly to Caillou and popped a claw.  
  
"This is gonna be sweet!"   
  
"I want my mommy," whimpered Caillou.  
  
* * *  
  
If one were to scan the grounds just outside the mansion, one may see the pair of binoculars sticking out of one of the larger bushes. Attached to those binoculars was a pair of large, furry hands. Hank was keeping both eyes peeled on the mansion, ready for the first sign of furniture-induced trouble.  
  
"Hmmm....things seem to be quiet in sector one," he muttered to himself under his breath. "Those mechanical aberrations are still inhabiting sector two, however. I must keep tabs on their progress, as I simply do not trust any of them."  
  
He continued to scan the area.  
  
"All seems quiet in sector three as well...oh, my! It would appear that Rogue has once again forgotten to close the blind on her window! Hmmm...now seems to be as good a time as any to review my knowledge of basic anatomy..."  
  
* * *  
  
In The Lab:  
  
  
"What do ya think yer doin', Bobby?"  
  
"Now that we've got the sample, we've gotta test it!"  
  
"Hold on there one flamin' minute! Firstly, what the hell are you testing it for, and secondly, do you have any idea what yer doin'?"  
  
"Firstly, I've just got this hunch. Secondly, I've seen Hank do this about a million times!" said Bobby, as he started gathering various pieces of equipment and paraphernalia off Hank's normally festidiously tidy shelves. A couple of pieces fell and shattered on the floor.  
  
"And I suppose that watchin' Hank makes you an expert?"  
  
"How hard can it be? You put the sample in a test tube...*crash*...oops!" He grabbed another test tube off the shelf. "Then you put it in the centrifugal thingamajig...errmph!"   
  
The centrifugal thingamajig wouldn't open.  
  
"Let's try that again....errmph! Arrrmph!!! OPEN, DAMMIT!!!"  
  
"So ya know what yer doin', huh?" Logan sneered.  
  
"It's just stuck, that's all! I wonder if Hank keeps a crowbar around here..."  
  
Bobby started searching for something he could use to pry open the centrifuge with. He accidentally knocked a bottle of sulfuric acid behind the wooden desk. The wood started turning black.  
  
* * *  
  
Meanwhile, outside:  
  
"Hmmm...nice...VERY nice..."  
  
* * *  
  
Back in the Lab:  
  
Sniff. Sniff. "Hey, Bobby?" said Logan as he sniffed the air. "Do you smell something burning?"  
  
"Errmph...argh... AH HA! IT'S OPEN!"  
  
"DRAKE!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"I said, do you smell something burning?!"  
  
"No, I...hmmmm...now that you mention it..."  
  
It was then that the side of the desk suddenly burst into flames.  
  
Logan grabbed Bobby by shirt collar and pulled him away from the fire.   
  
"Where's the fire extinguisher?!" cried Bobby.  
  
"YOU'RE IT!"  
  
"Oh, yeah! I forgot!" Bobby replied, then iced down the desk. The flames disappeared.  
  
"Is this how ya caught Hank on fire?"  
  
"No, not really. That incident involved a huge explosion..."  
  
* * *  
  
Back Outside:  
  
Hank watched in dismay as Rogue suddenly looked right at him, glowered and flipped him 'the bird', then lowered the blind.  
  
"Oh, my," he said to himself nervously. "Now may be a good time to start searching for a better hiding place. Hmm...sector two is still crowded...perhaps sector four would prove more fruitful in the search for...OH MY STARS AND GARTERS! THE ICEPOP IS DESTROYING MY LAB!!!"  
  
A massive blue ball of fur flew out of the bush and bolted back to the mansion.   
  
* * *  
  
In The Lab:  
  
"Okay. Now all we hafta do is put the test tube in the thingamajig, close it, and turn it on!"  
  
Logan cautiously observed Bobby as he placed the test tube in the centrifuge, then closed it. He waited. And waited.  
  
"Well? What're you waiting for?"  
  
"Where's the 'ON' button on this thing?"  
  
Just then, Beast burst in through the door, armed with a pair of fire extinguishers.   
  
"HOLD ON, HANK!" shouted Logan. "The fire's out!"  
  
Hank slowly lowered the extinguishers as he surveyed the remnants of his lab. "Robert," he said, biting back a sob. "wh..what in all of this world have you been doing to my beautiful, precious, companionable laboratory?"   
  
"Hank, you've REALLY got to start dating, again," Logan commented.  
  
"I was just trying to do an experiment," Bobby explained as Hank trudged solemnly over to his defrosting desk. "There's this blood sample that I wanted to test, but I couldn't find you, and all this mess is really your fault..."  
  
Hank stared at him. "MY fault?!"   
  
"Yeah, YOUR fault!" Bobby insisted. "I got this idea in my head and you weren't around to stop me!"  
  
"He's got a point there, Blue."  
  
"YOU were here!" Hank cried. "Why did YOU not stop him?!"  
  
Logan just shrugged his shoulders.  
  
Hank sighed, then opened the centrifuge and peeked inside. Sighing deeply, he set about preparing it in the proper fashion.   
  
"Now that we have the test results, my frosty friend - whom, I might point out is hereby responsible for keeping my laboratory neat and tidy for the next month..."  
  
Bobby groaned.  
  
"...what in the world do you want me to do with it?"  
  
Bobby's expression brightened a bit. "Just compare it to the DNA samples you've got on file!"  
  
Hank stared at him, uncertainty plastered allover his face, then went over to his computer.  
  
Rogue burst in through the door.  
  
"BOBBY DRAKE!!!" she shouted. Bobby instinctively dove for cover under Hank's desk.  
  
"I SAW YOUR BINOCULARS PEEKIN' AT ME FROM THE BUSHES!" Rogue yelled as she grabbed Bobby by the scruff of his shirt and hauled him out. "NOW 'FESS UP SO I CAN POUND YOU GOOD AND PROPER!!!"  
  
"B...b..but I didn't do it!!" Bobby whimpered.  
  
Logan stepped in. "The kid's right, Rogue. He was with me the whole time."  
  
Rogue slowly lowered a grateful Bobby to the floor.  
  
"If it wasn't YOU, then jus' who was it?" she growled.  
  
Hank remained unusually silent as he perused the DNA files. Then he saw something that shocked him.  
  
"Oh, my stars and garters!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Jackpot!" cried Bobby happily.  
  
"Jus' what the heck's been goin' on in here?" asked Rogue.  
  
Hank printed the information and tore the sheet from the printer. "I do not believe it! I simply, positively, resolutely DO NOT believe it!"  
  
"Can the dramatics and just tell us what it is, Hank!" Logan ordered.   
  
Hank looked up from the paper and stared at Bobby.  
  
"I am utterly impressed down to my boxers, Popsicle!" he exclaimed. "How did you possibly figure it out?"  
  
Bobby swelled with pride. "I told you, it was a hunch! Just how many bald-headed kids have YOU seen in YOUR lifetime?"  
  
By now, Rogue and Logan were getting quite angry. "WHAT?!" they shouted together.  
  
Hank looked at them. "There is a 99.9 per cent chance that Caillou is Xavier's son!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
* * *  
  
Like I said, I don't know where this is going. But if you would like me to continue, please let me know! Thanks.   
  
Note: I do not believe for an instant that Hank would ever spy on any of the X-Women, but it's just a sillific. 


	4. You're A Daddy!

Hi! I'm baaaa-aaaack, and I'm ticked off!!! My son loves Caillou, and watches the show religiously. There is one episode where Caillou learns a new word: stupid. He eventually learns that this is not a nice word and stops using it, but before that, he says it repeatedly: stoo-pid blocks, stoo-pid birds, etc. So guess what my sweetheart of a son has been calling ME for past week? ARGGHH!!!! I WAS going to go easy on Caillou, but just for that I'm going to be particularly nasty to the little twerp from this point on. PLEASE NOTE that the RATING has CHANGED to R because of implied drug use. Enjoy!  
  
Before we start, does anybody want to know what my favoritist caffeine and sugar high combo is?   
  
PEPSI AND SKITTLES!!! WOO-HOO! WOO-HOO! WOO-HOO!  
  
Oh, here's something else I wanted to mention which makes me wonder whether or not these television broadcast companies are trying to warp little kids' minds with their 'quality programming'. On an episode of Bear in the Big Blue House, they tell their own version of Little Red Riding Hood, which I am quoting part of here:  
  
"Oh, Grandma! What big HANDS you have!"  
  
"All the better to TOUCH you with, my dear."  
  
And my only thought was, "Oh my god!! The wolf is molesting Red Riding Hood!!!" I guess this just goes to show what a sick mind I've got. Anyways, on to chapter four!  
  
..............................  
  
***telepathy***  
..............................  
  
  
CHAPTER 4: You're A Daddy!   
  
  
Hank and Bobby had gathered the rest of the X-Men to relay their surprising discovery to them.  
  
"I don't believe it!" exclaimed Jean, for the tenth time in the last five minutes.  
  
"I will remind you, Jean, that 0.01 percent is a very small margin of error," Hank replied.  
  
"I know! But I STILL don't believe it!"  
  
"I am going to side with Jean on this one. Sorry, Henry," said Ororo.  
  
It was Bobby who spoke up next. "Why don't we just confront the professor and find out whether Caillou IS his kid or not?"  
  
Hank looked incredulous. "My dear Robert, I do believe that is the first good idea you have ever had! Congratulations!" he exclaimed.  
  
Bobby shot him a dirty look.  
  
"Ahlright, then let's go an' see the professah!" said Rogue, and led the group towards Xavier's office.  
  
Along the way, they passed by Bob's cat, Pilchard, and the neutered Perriwinkle. Perriwinkle had Pilchard in a fatal head lock and was slowly strangling him to death. Apparently, Perriwinkle is not too fond of competition.  
  
* * *  
  
"Dum de dum de dum!" sang Barney as he ambled through the mansion, wandering aimlessly and looking for something fun to do. He wound up in one of the bathrooms.   
  
"Hmmm," he said out loud. "I wonder what's in here?" He opened the medicine cabinet. "Oooooh! Pretty colours!" he crooned when he saw all the various bottles of medicine pills. He grabbed a few bottles and, after easily popping off the childproof caps (which seem to annoy adults more so than little kids) he munched them down.  
  
After a short while, Barney's pupils dilated as he watched the magical pink bunnies dance around the toilet and green and purple polka-dotted fish swam around happily in the toilet bowl. Barney started to dance with them. The bunnies started to sing, and Barney started to sing with them.   
  
"I hate you, you hate me, I'll get you just wait and see! With a knife and a gun and six rounds of lead, very soon you will be dead!"  
  
Barney listened intently to the instructions that the magical pink bunnies gave him, and set off to complete them.  
  
* * *  
  
Xavier jumped in his chair when Rogue burst in through the door, followed by all the other X-Men.  
  
"Can't you people knock first?! You startled me!" he exclaimed angrily.  
  
"Gee, professor! You're the greatest telepath on the planet!" commented Bobby. "Shouldn't you have 'sensed' us coming?"  
  
"Hmph!" replied the professor. "I don't go peeking around your heads every second of the day, you know!"  
  
Bobby shrugged his shoulders. "Fair enough."  
  
Rogue took the lead. "We all got a question ta ask ya, professah!"   
  
"Oh?" he replied, raising an eyebrow. "And what would that be?"  
  
Hank stepped forward and sat the paper on the desk. "The question that we all wish to inquire about has to do with the results of this DNA test which I performed this morning..."  
  
"With MY help!" Bobby chimed in.  
  
"..yes, with the aid of our frozen friend," Hank reluctantly added as he shot Bobby a look which read, yes you did help, and yes you are going to pay very dearly for it too.  
  
The professor looked blankly at the page. "This would appear to be the results of a paternity test," he said.   
  
Hank nodded solemnly. "Professor, there is a 99.9% chance that Caillou is in fact, YOUR son!"  
  
The silence was deafening as they all waited in ..... anticipation as they waited to see what their mentor's reaction would be.  
  
Their mentor. Their professor. The man who was always neat, tidy, festidiously groomed and extremely well-mannered, never revealing any emotions beyond his mask of emotional neutrality, sent spittle flying into the face of one stunned Hank as he burst out laughing.  
  
"BWAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Y...y..you actually..hahaha..expect me to believe....BWAHAHAHAHA! that....that....little twerp is....*snort, snicker* MY son?! WOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! That's a good one! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
The professor was convulsing with laughter, which caused a small piece of paper to fall out his pocket. Ever alert Hank noticed this, and stooped down to pick it up.  
  
"Er...what is this, Professor?" he asked.  
  
Xavier was rubbing tears from his eyes as he replied, "Oh, that! That's the note that I found pinned to Caillou." He paused to blow his nose, then repeated what was written on the note. "Dear X-Men, we can't stand this horrid little brat one second longer! PLEASE take him off our hands! We don't have any mutant powers to help us deal with him, maybe YOU guys can! Signed, Caillou's mommy and daddy."  
  
Hank nodded. "Yes, that IS exactly what the note says," he commented. "But did you care to look on the other side?"  
  
There was a huge, gigantuan, enormous, humungoid pause. The X-men leaned in closer to make sure they would hear every word Hank said. The professor couldn't wait for the information and scanned Hank's mind. A look of pure shock and horror appeared on Xavier's face.  
  
"Besides," Hank read out loud. "He's YOURS anyway, Charley-puddin' pie. Signed, Sweetcheeks."  
  
Half the X-men furrowed their brows, silently mouthing the words 'puddin pie' and 'sweetcheeks'; the rest were gagging at the image that the words inadvertently produced in their minds. Bobby just cheered.  
  
"I WAS RIGHT!!! WOO-HOO!!!" the Icepop cried as he did a little victory dance in the middle of the office.  
  
The professor was completely catatonic. "Professor?" Hank asked worriedly as he waved a furry hand in front of the man's face. "Are you alright?"  
  
Xavier blinked once, twice, then slumped down in his hoverchair. "MY son?" he said to himself in barely a whisper. "I don't believe it! She never told me..." he seemed to be talking to himself, having momentarily forgotten the other people in the room.  
  
"Professor?" Hank asked again.  
  
Bobby stopped dancing when another revelation hit him. "Hey, if Caillou's YOUR son, AND you're the greatest telepath on the planet, what does that make Caillou?"  
  
Hank's eyes widened in horror. "Oh, my stars and garters!" he breathed.   
  
Jean caught on to the thought right away. "But his mutant powers, if he has any, won't kick in until puberty, right?" she asked.  
  
No one answered her, for as one they all dropped to the floor, howling in pain as a voice roared through their heads.   
  
***I WANT A COOKIE!!!!***  
  
* * *  
  
To be continued.  
  
Sorry it took so long to get this story updated, and I apologize for the shortness of this chapter. But my muse appears to have run off and I don't know where to find him. "You too?" says a voice and I look behind me to see Little Bo Peep. "Er...hi. Um, you haven't seen any furry blue muses lately, have you?" I ask her. She shakes her head. "Oh, well."   
  
Anyways, let me know what you think! And thanks goes out to all you people who have been reviewing this story! I really appreciate it! 


	5. Caillou's Bad Day or Barney Gets Indiges...

WAAAAAHHHH!!!! BOO HOO!!! I can't find my muse! My fuzzy blue genius has abandoned me!!! *sob*  
  
Since I can't find him, I've ordered a replacement. He should be here any minute...  
  
*knock knock knock*  
  
ME: "Come in!"  
  
A man wearing a ruby quartz visor opens the door and walks in.  
  
SCOTT: "Hi!"  
  
ME: "Oh dear God, NOOOOO!!!!"  
  
.................................  
CHAPTER FIVE: Caillou's Bad Day or Barney Gets Indigestion  
  
  
The snyapses of the X-men were reeling from the mental blast that they had just endured. The professor and Jean recovered quickly and put up mental shields before the second attack hit.  
  
***I WANT A COOKIE AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!***  
  
Both Jean and the professor winced as the unbelievably powerful attack tested their shields to the limit. They could concentrate only on their own shields; the others were out of luck. Cries of pain could be heard throughout the room as Jean did a quick scan of the mansion to locate the horrid little brat.   
  
He was close by - very close. In fact, he was just outside the door!   
  
The door was kicked open and slammed against the inside wall. In walked Caillou, his jaw clenched and arms wrapped tightly around his teddy bear.  
  
***WHERE'S MY COOKIE?!***  
  
"Calm down, Caillou!" said Jean. She had to say it out loud; her thoughts couldn't penetrate the kid's amazingly thick skull.  
  
Caillou's eyes scanned over the group, and came to rest on Logan.   
  
"That man!" he said, pointing an accusing finger at him. "That man HURT me!"  
  
Jean turned to Wolverine. "What did you do to him, Logan?"   
  
Logan couldn't answer. He clenched his head once more and howled in pain as Caillou focus on his mind.  
  
***YOU HURT ME!!!***  
  
Wolverine couldn't stand the pain anymore. He unsheathed his claws and lunged at the boy. Jean telekinetically stopped him from slicing Caillou, but the man did manage to wrench the teddy bear out of the kid's arms.  
  
"TEDDY!!!" Caillou shrieked.  
  
***TEDDY!!!***  
  
Logan put his claws to the bear's throat. "GET OUTTA MY HEAD, KID, OR THE BEAR GETS IT!!!" he roared.  
  
A few moments of tense silence as everyone stared intently at the two, wondering how the stand-off was going to end.  
  
Xavier spoke up. "Logan, give him back his teddy bear," he ordered, his voice quiet but stern.  
  
Logan growled.  
  
"Logan, I told you to return the bear!" the professor repeated, his voice rising.  
  
The Canuck reluctantly resheathed his claws. Then slowly, very slowly, he lowered his fuzzy hostage.  
  
Caillou wrenched the toy out of the man's hand. "Oh, teddy, teddy!" he cried, hugging the bear tightly to him.  
  
"Now, isn't that better, Caillou?" Xavier asked, his voice returning to normal.   
  
Caillou looked at him. "That man still hurt me!" he cried indignantly.  
  
"And I can assure you he will be punished for that, Caillou," the professor replied.   
  
"I wanna go home!"  
  
"But, my dear boy, you ARE home! You're with your daddy, now!"  
  
Caillou looked confused. "No, my daddy is at home. With mommy. They left me here!" Tears welled up in his beady little eyes.  
  
"Yes, yes they did! But that's because you are MY son! I'M your daddy, Caillou!"  
  
Caillou's eyes widened with amazement. "You are?" he asked incrediously.  
  
The professor nodded. "Yes, I am! You can call ME daddy now, okay?"  
  
"Okay...daddy," Caillou replied, nodding his head.  
  
The happy(?) reunion didn't last long, however. Barney burst in through the door, a crazed look in his dilated eyes. He spied Caillou, and before anybody could react (or maybe they just didn't want to stop him), he lunged at Caillou and gobbled him down.  
  
The professor was horrified. Logan was thrilled. Everyone else was just grossed out.  
  
Then Barney started gurgling, and hacking, then made no more sounds as he waved his skimpy little arms around as his face turned....purple? what colour does a purple dinosaur's face turn when he's choking? Anyways, Barney's face turned that colour.  
  
Reacting instinctively, Hank rushed over behind Barney, wrapped his arms around his midsection and started to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on him. With one thunderous HACK!, Caillou's head flew out of Barney's throat, sailed across the room and landed with a wet plop in Professor X's lap.  
  
Logan was furious. "Christ, Beast! Why'd you have to go and do that? We coulda been rid of BOTH of them in one shot!"  
  
Hank sheepishly shrugged his shoulders as Barney slid onto the floor, slowly regaining his breath.  
  
"I couldn't help it! Hippocratic oath and all..." Hank's sentence was cut off by the professor's sudden wailing.  
  
"Oh, my son! MY SON!" he sobbed, clutching Caillou's head. "And so young! Why, God, WHY?!!!"  
  
Jean was getting fed up by all this. She went over to the moaning professor and whispered in his ear, "Professor, I think there's still some cookies that Caillou missed in the kitchen!"  
  
All wailing and moaning stopped instantly as a boyish smile suddenly spread across Xavier's face.   
  
"Cookies?!" he cried. He tossed Caillou's head over his shoulder (which landed perfectly in the garbage bin), then took off at warp speed toward the doorway.  
  
THUD!!  
  
"Aw, dammit! Now I've got a purple stain on my hoverchair!"   
  
Hank regarded the purple mess with disgust. "Well Logan, it looks like you got your wish after all."   
  
"Woo hoo!!" Logan exclaimed.  
  
Xavier backed up over Barney's corpse, then hit the gas and headed out the door, singing about cookies.  
  
"Like father, like son," Jean muttered as she shook her head. She turned to face the X-men. "Now who is going to clean up this mess?"  
  
There was a mass scrambling toward the doorway, accompanied by shoving, kicking, pushing, pulling and copious "Get outta my way!" exclamations.  
  
Jean shook her head again and hauled them all back into the office with her telekinesis.  
  
"But Je-ean!" they whined.  
  
"No buts! I'm not cleaning this up all by myself! Now get to work!"  
  
* * *  
  
Back at the other end of the mansion, Bob the Builder was wiping his sweaty brow.   
  
"Boy, that professor is sure working us to the bone!" he said.  
  
"Yeah, no kidding!" agreed Muck.   
  
"We've been working non-stop since we got here!" Lofty added.  
  
"Aren't we supposed to get breaks?" Scoop asked. "Can't we just go on strike?"  
  
"Sorry guys," Bob replied sadly. "But since we aren't unionized, we can't go on strike!"  
  
Just then, Dizzy ran(?) into the hallway and spun around Bob in panicked circles crying, "Bob! It's Pilchard! Oh Pilchard, Pilchard!"  
  
Bob became very worried. "Calm down, Dizzy! What's wrong with Pilchard?"  
  
It was then he noticed that Dizzy was also crying. "I...It's horrible, Bob!"  
  
Now Bob was starting to panic. "What happened, Dizzy! Tell me!"  
  
Dizzy broke out into sobs. "Sh...she's DEAD, Bob! Th...th...they k..k..killed her!!! WAAAAAHHH!!!"  
  
Bob's face turned white as a sheet. "Pilchard...dead?" he couldn't believe it.  
  
He didn't have very long to think about it, as just then the professor's hoverchair appeared at the end of the hall.   
  
"COOKIES! COOKIES! I WANT COOKIES!" he cried, a crazed look in his eyes as he came at the little group of machines at full speed.  
  
"EVERYONE GET OUTTA THE WAY!!!" Bob screamed as he dove under a drinking fountain.   
  
The whizzing sound of the hoverchair was nearly deafening as the man zoomed past, accompanied by a sickening crunch.  
  
"LOFTY!!!" cried Bob, but it was too late. There was nothing left of the little blue hypochondriac machine but a few mangled metal pieces, some screws and two pairs of burst tires.  
  
Bob dropped to his knees, sobbing. "Not Pilchard! Not Lofty!" he moaned through his tears. The other machines gathered around him, crying machine oil tears.   
  
After a while, Dizzy tentatively asked, "What are we going to do, Bob?"  
  
Bob stopped sobbing. He slowly lowered his hands from his face, revealing such a grotesque, twisted, angry face that the other machines backed away in horror.  
  
"I'll tell you what we're going to do," he said as he rose slowly to his feet, his voice low, grating and dangerous.  
  
"We're going to get those X-bastards for this!" he suddenly exclaimed, throwing his hard-hat to the ground. Waving his fists in the air, he cried, "Do you hear me?! IT'S PAYBACK TIME!!!"  
  
* * *  
  
WARNING: The following contains spoilers for X-Men Mangaverse!!!  
  
* * *  
  
SCOTT: That's NOT what I told you to write!  
  
ME: I know. That's why I wrote it!  
  
SCOTT: Why are you always so mean to me?  
  
ME: I dunno...kiss-butt attitude, stick up yer ass....gee, what's NOT to like?  
  
SCOTT: *glowers*  
  
ME: AND I'm particularly ticked off at you for blasting Beast to bits in the Marvel Mangaverse X-Men comic!  
  
SCOTT: But they MADE me do it!  
  
ME: Oh, boo hoo! You could have gone easy on him, just knocked him senseless! You didn't have to decorate the walls with his guts! Not that those Marvel bastards haven't done their fair share to throw Hank through the ringer. They drew him as an ugly Japanese demon, for heaven's sake! As if the poor guy's life isn't bad enough!  
  
SCOTT: Oh really? What about what you did to him in your Tail of Two Beasts story?  
  
ME: Shut up!!! That was Tal's idea!  
  
SCOTT: You still WROTE it, didn't you? That makes you an accomplice!  
  
ME: Go to hell.  
  
SCOTT: No, YOU go to hell.  
  
ME: Now you're just being childish!  
  
SCOTT: I know YOU are, but what am I?  
  
ME: Dipwad!!  
  
SCOTT: I know you are, but what am I?  
  
ME: Shut up, already!  
  
SCOTT: Shut up, already!  
  
ME: CUT IT OUT!!!  
  
SCOTT: Cut it out!  
  
ME: ARRRGGHHH!!!  
  
SCOTT: Arrrgghhh!  
  
ME: I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!  
  
SCOTT: I'd like to see you try....  
  
* * *  
  
Oh, dear God in heaven I promise if you return my blue muse to me, I'll treat him better! I swear!!! Just bring him back to me!! PLEASE!!!  
  
P.S. Reviews are always welcomed and appreciated, and thanks once again goes out to those who have been reviewing so far! 


	6. The Battle of the Muses

SUMMARY: This chapter is not actually part of the story. It's me dealing with the muses. The story will continue in the next chapter, once we've settled our differences! Please bear with me!  
  
  
CHAPTER 6: The Battle of the Muses  
  
  
SCOTT: Give me the keyboard.  
  
ME: No!  
  
SCOTT: Give me the keyboard! I want a chance at writing this!  
  
ME: No! You'll screw it up!  
  
SCOTT: It's already screwed up enough as it is! And you call yourself a writer?  
  
ME: Gasp! You take that back!!  
  
SCOTT: No! Now give me the keyboard!!  
  
ME: Get lost.  
  
SCOTT: You haven't added a single one of my ideas to the story!  
  
ME: Maybe 'cause they all sucked.  
  
SCOTT: Then why did you order a muse, anyway?  
  
ME: I ordered a MUSE, but I got YOU instead. I want my money back, by the way.  
  
SCOTT: Give ME the keyboard or I'll blast your computer!  
  
ME: It's not MY computer, it's my HUSBAND'S computer.  
  
SCOTT: Fine. Then I'll blast your TV.  
  
ME: Eep!  
  
I reluctantly hand over the keyboard and go to the couch to sulk. Scott starts typing like a madman, cackling gleefully at the monitor. Then there's a knock on the door.  
  
*knock knock*  
  
ME: I'll get it.  
  
SCOTT: You do that. *cackle*   
  
I open the door. It's Logan. I immediately drop to my knees and start to worship at his feet.  
  
ME: Thank God you're here!! You've gotta help me!!!  
  
He steps away from me.  
  
LOGAN: Hold on, there! Ice said ya needed some help, but I didn't think you'd be THIS desperate!  
  
ME: You don't understand! LOOK!  
  
Logan looks to where I'm pointing, and sees Cyclops hunched over my computer (still cackling gleefully). Logan's eyes narrow.  
  
LOGAN: Don't worry, darlin'. I'll take care of this.  
  
ME: Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!   
  
SCOTT: Who is it? (He asks without taking his eyes off the screen)  
  
ME: Your replacement.  
  
SCOTT: Huh?  
  
Scott whips around to see Logan staring down at him.  
  
LOGAN: You heard the lady, Cyke. Beat it!  
  
SCOTT (whining): But I was here first!  
  
LOGAN: I'M here, now. Get yer hands off that keyboard!  
  
Scott grabs the keyboard and clutches it possessively to his chest.  
  
SCOTT: Make me!  
  
LOGAN (suddenly smiling): Don't mind if I do! *snikt*  
  
More knocking is heard. I go answer the door.  
  
ME: YOU'VE COME BACK!!!  
  
I lunge at Hank and grapple him in a strangle-hold hug.  
  
HANK (turning blue-er): Irk....! I..it is nice...irk...to see that...wheeze...you are so very glad...choke...to see me...! gasp. gurgle. I...I do need air...wheeze!  
  
I let go. Hank catches his breath, adjusts his spectacles and stares at Scott and Logan who are playing tug-of-war with the keyboard. Logan is growling and Scott is whining pitifully.  
  
HANK: Oh my stars and garters! It would appear that I have arrived just in time!  
  
Hank steps forward to join the fray and nearly trips. He looks down to see me hugging his ankles.  
  
ME: I'm so glad you're back! I can't believe you're back! How could you leave me?! I'm so happy...!  
  
HANK: Er...your 'enthusiastic' display of affection is becoming rather disturbing. In truth, it is actually starting to frighten me.   
  
ME: Oh, sorry.  
  
I let go again.  
  
HANK: Thank you.  
  
He returns his attention to the other two muses.   
  
HANK: Scott, Logan, there is no need for such a display of childish behaviour! Release that keyboard immediately before it becomes damaged!  
  
Logan shrugs, then lets go, sending Scott sprawling. Cyke quickly recovers and clutches the keyboard to his chest again. He turns to Logan.  
  
SCOTT (to Logan): Nya nya na na nyaaa nyaaaahh!! I got the keyboard!  
  
HANK: REEEALLY Scott, you are embarrassing us! Now please relinquish that delicate piece of equipment so that we can accomplish what we all came here to do, and hopefully be finished and home in time for dinner!  
  
LOGAN: Gumbo's not cookin' tonight, is he?  
  
HANK: No, I do believe that it is Jean's turn to cook tonight.  
  
LOGAN (to Scott): Hand it over NOW, bub!  
  
SCOTT (pouting): NO!  
  
Hank sighs deeply, walks over to Scott, picks him up by the scruff of his neck and plucks the keyboard from his hands.   
  
SCOTT: Give it back! Give it back! It's not fair!!!  
  
Hank examines the keyboard and frowns.  
  
HANK (to me): What is your husband going to say when he sees these claw marks all over his keyboard?  
  
ME (shrugs): I'll just tell him the cat did it.  
  
The cat gives me a dirty look.  
  
ME: Aaaaaanyways, can we just get this show on the road?  
  
HANK: Not so fast, my dear. (His sentence is punctuated by a loud thud as he drops Scott.)  
  
SCOTT: Ow!  
  
ME: Er, whaddya mean, Hankster?  
  
HANK: As you may recall, my reason for leaving in the first place revolves around your treatment of me during the writing of your last Blue's Clues story.  
  
He rubs his head where the bruise used to be.  
  
ME (squirming): I said I was sorry! And it wasn't MY rubber chicken, either!  
  
HANK: Be it as it may, if I am to once again assume the position as your principle muse, I have a few demands that must be met at all costs.  
  
ME: Okaaay, what are they?  
  
HANK: One: no rubber chickens. And no rubber mallets, for that matter.  
  
ME: No problem. What else?  
  
HANK: Two: I set the working hours to suit MY schedule. I am tired of sitting up till two in the morning writing when my laboratory is practically overflowing with unfinished projects!  
  
ME: I'm sorry, Hank. I'll be more flexible then, 'kay?  
  
HANK: And thirdly, your supply of twinkies is quite minuscule to say the least. Would it be beyond your capacity to rectify that situation?  
  
I run to the kitchen, then return with a crate of twinkies which I promptly set down at his feet.  
  
ME: Consider this a down payment. Ice said she'd send over a truckload of twinkies for you if I you ever turned up!  
  
A boyish, ear-to-ear grin spreads across Hank's face and he grabs a handle of golden delights.   
  
HANK: That will be quite adequate, my dear.  
  
LOGAN: That's fine for HIM, but what about the rest of us? I didn't haul my ass over here for nothin', darlin'.  
  
I run back to the kitchen and return with a case of beer (Canadian, of course!).  
  
ME: I got this especially for you!  
  
LOGAN: Now THAT'S more like it!  
  
SCOTT: What about me?!  
  
JORDAN: Mommy?  
  
Hmmm. It appears that all the noise has woken my son from his nap. I ponder what to do, then an idea strikes me. (ouch!) Smiling brightly, I turn to Scott.  
  
ME: I know, Scott! You can babysit!  
  
SCOTT: What?!  
  
ME: Do your Steve impersonation! He worships Blue's Clues!  
  
SCOTT: But...but...but...!  
  
ME: Now shush! We've got a story to write!  
  
HANK: Yes, let us begin! What have you written thus far, my dear?  
  
Hank leans over the desk and peers at the monitor. After a moment or two, he begins to blush.  
  
HANK: Oh my stars and garters!  
  
Wondering what the heck he's talking about, I look at the screen.   
  
ME: Oops. Heh heh. Er...Scott and Logan must have opened that file by mistake, when they were fighting over the keyboard.  
  
SCOTT: I wanna see! I wanna see!  
  
Scott tries to push his way to the computer. Logan shoves him roughly into the wall and stares at the screen himself.  
  
LOGAN (grinning lecherously): Blue Fur and Black Stripes, huh? Looks like yer finally gettin' some action, eh Blue?  
  
HANK (his face lavender): When did you write this?! I certainly did not aid you!  
  
ME (sheepishly): Tyger kinda helped me.   
  
HANK: Tyger?!  
  
ME: It was all HER idea. Actually, it's rather tame compared to what she originally wanted me to write.  
  
Hank is now lavender all over. Logan is laughing his head off. Scott is still trying to get at the computer. I quickly close down the file and re-open the Bob story.  
  
ME: Alrighty, then. Can we get started now, PLEASE?!  
  
HANK (clearing his throat and adjusting his spectacles): Harumph...hmmm..er...yes, yes we should begin. Remind me to have a little talk with Tyger when I return, alright?  
  
I nod curtly and set my fingertips on the keyboard.  
  
ME: Well?  
  
HANK: Hmm...alright then, perhaps we should try this...  
  
* * *  
  
I think I need therapy. Or psycho-analyzation. Or maybe I should go the cheap route and lay off the skittles. What do you think?   
  
Anyways, I gotta thank Ice Princess Deluxe for letting me borrow her muse, Logan. Don't worry, I'll return him safe and sound! Oh, and mucho thanks for providing the twinkies! Now that my fuzzy blue genious is back, I'd better keep him happy!  
  
And I'll continue the actual story in the next chapter, I promise!!! 


	7. Bob's Revenge

CHAPTER 7: Bob's Revenge  
  
  
The next week or so at the X-mansion passed quietly; uneventfully. Uneventfully for the X-men, but not so for Bob and the machines.   
  
By day, they were very active little machines making repairs about the mansion. But by night, they became very active little machines bent on revenge!!! Under the instruction of their leader, Bob (whose official codename is now WrenchGuy), they constructed a copious arsenal with which to mount an attack upon the unsuspecting X-men. (Well, all but ONE of the X-men were unsuspecting). The professor didn't have a clue what was going on, because let's face it, no one really gives a damn about what's on a little machine's mind.   
  
No one suspected them that is, except Beast. He rarely spent any time in the mansion anymore. He had constructed an observation deck on the grounds, and camouflaged it with branches and leaves. And being the super-intelligent mind that he was, installed a phone so that he could call for pizza whenever hunger hit him (obsessed or not, fuzzy blue geniuses need to eat, too!)  
  
He watched them, day and night, keeping tabs on their progress, making copious notes on his laptop (he had installed solar panels as well). Everyday he sent a progress report to the professor via e-mail. Unfortunately, prof X, the owner of the greatest mind in the entire world, didn't have a clue how to use e-mail. He kept the computer in his office for show. Nobody knew that the machine didn't even work. (It was where Xavier hid his secret cookie stash.)  
  
And so, as the e-mails remained unanswered, Beast became more and more worried that the professor just wasn't taking him seriously. (Don't ask me why he didn't think to tell anyone else, but this is MY fic and the thought never occurred to him, alright?!) Therefore, Hank came to the grim conclusion that, if the X-Men were to survive Bob's onslaught, then he, the Beast, would have to be the one to save them all.   
  
* * *  
  
Bob examined himself in the mirror. He was wearing his new super-villain costume: a red spandex suit with a purple cape and a matching helmet.  
  
"You go, guy!" he commented to his reflection, following it up with a wink. Then he turned to face his cohorts, the machines (hereby dubbed the MeanTeam).   
  
"Action stations, MeanTeam!"  
  
The machines assembled themselves appropriately.  
  
"Are we ready?" cried Bob.  
  
"Yes we are!!!" the machines shouted back excitedly.  
  
"Can we kill them?" Bob cried, working the machines into a frenzy with his exceedingly charismatic (*snicker*) auditorial wit.  
  
"YES WE CAN!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Muck!" Bob hissed.  
  
"Oops...I forgot I was filling in for Lofty. Okay...er...I think so!"  
  
"Let's go, MeanTeam!"  
  
And off they went.  
  
* * *  
  
The X-Men were all assembled in the rec room. Well, almost all of them. Bob decided that he would take out Beast later, if the furry mutant ever showed up.   
  
Rogue, Remy and Logan were playing pool. The rest were assembled in front of the TV, looking rather glossy-eyed.  
  
Nobody noticed Bob walk in.   
  
Bob attempted to laugh evilly. "Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!"  
  
"What the hell was that?" Logan asked.  
  
Jubes answered him. "I think Perriwinkle's coughin' up another hairball..."  
  
"Hey! Down here!"  
  
The X-Men looked to where the voice had come from, and finally spotted Bob.   
  
"Aaaaah! Magnus!" cried the Professor. "You...you shrank!"  
  
"I did not shrink!"   
  
Wolverine glanced furtively around the room, panic evident in his eyes. "The rest of them X-babies ain't gonna pop outta the woodwork, are they?" he asked nervously.  
  
"I am NOT Magneto! I am NOT an X-baby! I am...WRENCHGUY!!!"  
  
"No, no," Xavier insisted. "You're definitely Magneto. Only smaller."  
  
"Yeah, only Magneto would wear such a fashion no-no as red and purple," Jean added.  
  
The rest of the X-Men nod in agreement.  
  
Bob started to claw at the helmet, as if trying to get at his hair.  
  
"For the last time, I AM NOT MAGNETO!!! I AM WRENCHGUY!!!"  
  
"Well, if ya didn't want ta be mistaken for Magneto, why the hell did ya dress like him?" asked Logan.  
  
"I AM NOT dressed like..."  
  
"If you're going to become a new supervillian, the least you can do is think of something at least psuedo-original for your costume," suggested Bobby.  
  
"But I..."  
  
"Couldn't ya think up a better name than that?" Jubilee piped up. "I mean, come on. WrenchGuy? That's pretty lame-o if ya ask me..."  
  
"I DIDN'T ASK YOU!! I was merely trying to say that...aw, screw it! Dizzy, activate the power-taker-awayer mechanism!!!"  
  
"Right away, Bob...er...I mean, WrenchGuy!"  
  
"Power-taker-awayer mechanism?" Jubilee repeated. "That's all you could come up with? Yeesh! What kind of a super-villain are you?"   
  
Dizzy activated the mechanism. The X-Men were rendered powerless. Jubilee opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came forth. Apparently, her excruciatingly annoying voice was a secondary mutation.   
  
"Oh-no! We're doomed!" Prof X wailed.  
  
"Not as long as I've still got these!" Wolverine snarled as he popped his claws and lunged at Bob...er...I mean, WrenchGuy.   
  
WrenchGuy whipped out another mechanism, activated it, and Wolverine suddenly crashed into the wall of a force field and landed on the floor with a loud thud.  
  
"Bwahahahahahahahaha!!! Give it up, X-Men! You are no match against WrenchGuy and his MeanTeam! You are at our mercy! Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!"  
  
"You know, that laugh is really starting to get annoying," Storm commented, frowning.  
  
"Yeah," agreed Iceman. "If you're serious about becoming a real villain, you've got to work on making that laugh believable. I mean, it doesn't even send shivers down my spine..."  
  
"Shut-up! SHUT-UP! SHUT-UP!!! That's it! Muck, hand me my death-ray!"  
  
"Oooooh, now THAT'S original," said Jean, rolling her eyes.   
  
"I WAS going to be merciful. I WAS going to give you a chance to make up for what you did. But NOW, the only thing I'm going to give you is a chance to grovel at my feet before I kill you all! Bwahahahahahahaha!!!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Zzzzzzzzzzzz..."  
  
Jean nudged the Professor. "Wake up!" she hissed.  
  
"Zzz...*snort* huh?....oh...is it time for my medication?"  
  
"AAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!" screamed WrenchGuy, overcome by utter frustration. "Prepare to die!!!" he added, aiming his deathray at the rather bored-looking group.  
  
* * *  
  
Oh, no! A cliff-hanger! What's going to happen to the X-Men? Will Bob..er..I mean, WrenchGuy, have his revenge?! Tune in next time, for the final chapter of Bob, the Newest X-Man!  
  
* * *  
  
BEAST: Oh, my stars and garters! You desperately require a life, my dear!  
  
ME: Hey, that wasn't very nice!  
  
BEAST: I was merely making an observation.  
  
ME: Be good or no Twinkie.  
  
BEAST: .....  
  
ME: Good boy. 


	8. Hank to the Rescue!

AUTHOR'S WARNING: Yes, the story is finally finished!!! You might want to wrap your brain cells in bubble wrap before reading this last chapter. Your IQ is guaranteed to drop a few points while reading it. Mine did. *fuzzyblue starts cackling insanely and bounces mindlessly around the room*.  
  
  
* * *  
  
ME: C'mon Hank, pleeeeeeeeaaaaaassssee?!!!  
  
BEAST: No!  
  
ME: Pretty, pretty please with a Twinkie on top?!!  
  
BEAST: My dear, there is absolutely, positively nothing you can do to garner my aid with your stories after the way you humiliated my personage with your 'Things the X-Men Would Never Say' list!  
  
ME (eyes drop guiltily to the floor): Well...yeah...I SAID I was sorry...  
  
BEAST: 'Just call me Dr. Feelgood' indeed! And how can I forget that introduction to 'Clifford the Big Red Dog'?   
  
ME: It wasn't that bad! Besides, you weren't the only one that I poked fun at! And you even laughed at some of them, too!!!  
  
BEAST: That is totally inconsequential and uncircumstantial, not to mention entirely irrelevant! As I have stated quite clearly before, I refuse to help you with any more of your ludicrous stories!  
  
ME: Is that your final word?  
  
BEAST: It most assuredly is!   
  
ME: *sigh* I hate to do this to ya, Hank, but you leave me no choice.  
  
BEAST (raising an eyebrow): Oh?  
  
ME: But the thing is, I've spoken to Tyger about this...  
  
BEAST (looking surprised): You have?  
  
ME: And she says that if you don't help me, she's gonna come over and get me to write a raunchy story about you two.  
  
BEAST (looking nervous): She did?  
  
ME (nodding): AND she says that if you don't help me finish the Bob story, you can forget about back-rubs, fur-brushing, and a lot of other things for the next month *wink, wink*.  
  
BEAST (squirming): Ulp. Well, my dear, it would appear that I have been rather hasty with my previous decision...  
  
ME: Yes, go on...  
  
BEAST: AND you did in fact apologize for that opprobrious piece of 'fanfiction'...   
  
ME (looking smug): Yes I did.  
  
BEAST: And therefore, I rescind my afore-mentioned statement of not offering any compositional assistance, and thusly I am obliged to abet you by any means possible in the further instrumentation of your current parody.  
  
ME: ....? Translation?  
  
BEAST: Turn on your damn computer and let's get writing!  
  
ME: Woo hoo!!!   
  
* * *  
  
CHAPTER 8: Beast to the Rescue!  
  
* * *  
  
ME: 'Beast to the Rescue'???  
  
HANK: Do you want my help or not?  
  
ME: Er...it sounds fine! Honest!  
  
HANK: Alright, then. Let us continue.  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
"Prepare to die!!!" cried WrenchGuy, aiming his deathray at the rather bored-looking group of X-men heroes.  
  
Just then, Beast burst into the room.  
  
"Cease and desist your belligerent behaviourism, you perfidious, purple-clad scoundrel!!!" he roared.  
  
His verbal barrage had the desired effect...sort of. WrenchGuy had halted and was staring blankly at the blue-furred mutant. But so were all the other X-Men. (All except the professor, who had fallen asleep again. His head was slumped on his shoulder and a string of drool ran from the corner of his mouth to his shirt collar.)  
  
Hank took advantage of the situation and swooped down on WrenchGuy, relieving him of his deathray. He was about to go for the power-taker-awayer mechanism when suddenly, WrenchGuy shouted:  
  
"Not so fast, Beast!" And he whipped out a pair of battery-operated shaving clippers.  
  
Hank backed away and cringed, petrified. Hank had a phobia of clippers ever since he was attacked by a near-sighted dog groomer last summer. That poodle haircut had left him traumatized for weeks afterwards. WrenchGuy must have checked all their records for weaknesses before launching his attack. A sense of doom crept into the hearts of all the X-Men (or was it indigestion?); this was the smartest villian they had faced so far. (Which really doesn't say much for the other bad guys, now does it?)  
  
* * *  
  
HANK: Traumatized by a poodle haircut?!!! My dear, to paraphrase many a reviewer on ff.net, what are you on and why aren't you sharing?  
  
ME: I'm on Skittles and I'm not sharing 'cause you've got Twinkies. And besides, we don't want you getting TOO big of an ego, now do we?  
  
HANK: I whole-heartedly object! And besides, my speed and reflexes are more than sufficient to have relieved WrenchGuy of his entire arsenal before he could recover!  
  
ME: The power-taker-awayer mechanism was still activated, remember? I had to make it have SOME sort of effect on you. Or would you rather I had made all your fur fall out?  
  
HANK (thinking): Hmmmm....when faced with the possible alternative, I am left with no choice but to use your idea instead, ludicrous as it may be.  
  
ME: Good. Can we continue now?  
  
HANK (grabbing a Twinkie): By all means.  
  
ME: Just don't get any cream filling on the keyboard this time, alright? My husband gave me heck the last time he found it sticky with gooey goodness.  
  
HANK: I will be sure to lick my fingers clean before continuing this rather insane writing endeavour.  
  
(Long pause during which we munch our selected treats.)  
  
HANK: I'll trade you a Twinkie for a handful of Skittles.  
  
ME: Done! Yum!  
  
HANK: Yum!  
  
(Sugar highs ensue.)  
  
* * *  
  
With Beast immobilized by his fear of the clippers, and the rest of the X-Men effectively subdued by the power-taker-awayer mechanism, it seemed that all was lossed. Were the X-Men doomed? Would they ever survive the onslaught of WrenchGuy? Oh, the humanity!!!  
  
Where were we? Oh, yes...  
  
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Now it's time for my revenge!!! Say 'good-bye', X-geeks!!!" WrenchGuy cried out triumphantly.   
  
But before he could enact said revenge, the outside wall suddenly burst open and Magneto entered the room.  
  
"Prepare to die, Charles!!! I know it was YOU who egged my secret hide-out! That's the last time you...." A peeved expression crossed Magnus' face. "Would someone PLEASE wake him up?" he ordered.  
  
Xavier was still asleep. Remy shook the professor, but the man simply snorted loudly as his head flopped to the other shoulder. The snoring continued unabated.   
  
With an apologetic look on his face, Remy turned to Magnus and shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"Well, what am I supposed to do NOW? That was too good of an entrance to just turn back and go home!" Magnus complained as he began to pout.   
  
"Why not try taking your frustrations out on him?" Storm asked, pointing to WrenchGuy. "He could use a good lesson in supervillainy."  
  
"Besides, he stole your costume idea," Bobby added.  
  
"WHAT?!! WHY THAT LITTLE..."  
  
WrenchGuy didn't hear Magneto as the man ranted and raved about plagiarism and copyright laws. All his attention was focused, rather, on the huge hole in the wall. The fingers on his right hand started to twitch, yearning for something. It didn't want a deathray, or a gun of any kind. It wanted...it wanted...a hammer!  
  
WrenchGuy pounded the sides of his helmet with his fists and howled in agony. "Must resist...must...resist...must...not..fix..." he growled to himself through clenched teeth.   
  
"Er...Bob...I mean, WrenchGuy?" Dizzy asked tentatively. "Are...are you alright?"  
  
WrenchGuy howled one last time before throwing down the helmet and whipping out his beloved toolbelt.  
  
"Action stations team!" he cried. "We've got work to do!" And he pulled out a hammer and marched over to the ruined wall.  
  
"But...but what about your revenge?" Dizzy asked.  
  
"Yeah! And what about your plans for world dom...domin...er..for taking over the world?" Muck added.  
  
"That'll have to wait! We've got a wall to fix!"   
  
The machines cheered as the old Bob they loved and knew started giving out orders and organizing the repair crews.  
  
It was at this point that Magneto realized that Bob wasn't listening to him. "Don't you dare walk away from me when I'm talking to you!" he roared. "Come back here!" He made a motion with his hand, but it had no effect whatsoever. He stared at his hand, puzzled, and tried again. Still, nothing happened.  
  
"The power-taker-awayer mechanism is still activated," Jean mentioned helpfully.  
  
"Power-taker-awayer mechanism?" Magneto repeated.   
  
Jean nodded.  
  
Magneto suddenly started stomping his feet on the floor and waving his clenched fists in the air.  
  
"No! No!! No!!! NO!!!! This was supposed to be my day. MY day!!! It's not fair! It's NOT fair!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!"  
  
"Now really, Magnus," Storm chastised. "Is this behaviour truly necessary?"  
  
Magneto looked at her, his cheeks red and puffy and lower lip stuck out in an angry pout.  
  
"You've got a better idea?" he muttered angrily.  
  
"I am certain you can think of a more constructive method to vent your anger and frustrations," she lectured.  
  
Magnus was about to stick his tongue out at her when he suddenly remembered that yes, he DID have a back-up plan after all!  
  
* * *  
  
ME: HEY!!! What happened to my Skittles???  
  
HANK: I rescinded one of my precious Twinkies in return for a handful of your delectable rainbow treats, do you not remember?  
  
ME: I meant one of MY handfuls!!! You wiped out over half my Skittle supply!  
  
HANK (crossing his arms over his chest): A deal is a deal.  
  
ME: Then give me another Twinkie to help make up for it!  
  
HANK: No.  
  
ME: Yes.  
  
HANK: No!  
  
ME: Yes!  
  
(There is a brief pause in writing as we start fighting over the remaining Twinkies.)  
  
20 minutes pass. With cream filling smeared around my mouth and skittles stuck to Hank's fur, we continue the story.  
  
* * *  
  
"Hold on just one minute!" Magneto said happily, then reached under his cape and pulled out...Dora the Explorer!   
  
The X-Men gasped. Or maybe they were just stifling a yawn. It's hard to tell.  
  
"I found her wandering around in the woods! Apparently, she was lossed because she didn't have her map with her. But she said she was a new X-recruit, so I kidnapped her!"   
  
Magneto's speech was suddenly interrupted by one of Xavier's long, loud snores.  
  
Magnus' face fell. "This would be SO much better if he was awake! Could one of you pretty please try waking him up again?"  
  
Eager to end the inanity and boredom, Jean bent down and whispered in the professor's ear.  
  
"Cookie."  
  
Xavier's eyelids flew open. "Cookies?" he cried. His eyes darted all over the room. "Where? Where?!" Then he noticed Magneto. "Oh, hi Magnus," he said cheerily. "When did you arrive?"  
  
"It's about time you joined us, Charles," he replied sarcastically. "Now, you must all bow down to me and do my bidding or else I will extinguish Dora's young flame!"  
  
His threat was met with a bunch of blank stares.  
  
Magnus paused for a moment, then tried again. "Commit homicide? End her life?"  
  
He still wasn't getting through to them. He tried one last time.  
  
"Kill her?"  
  
Enlightenment ensued.   
  
"Can we watch?" Rogue asked hopefully.  
  
Magneto was taken aback. "What? Perhaps you still do not understand. I will KILL Dora if you do not surrender to me. Surely you would not allow this, Charles?"  
  
Xavier snorted. "Go right ahead, Magnus. Personally, I am sick of children. Besides, Bobby would probably find a way to prove ME as her father." He shot Iceman a dirty look.  
  
"Well," said Magnus, "you HAVE had a very, shall we say, busy history, Charles. I remember that blonde woman from Washington you fancied, AND that brunette from Pennsylvania, and let's not forget Sally from..."  
  
There was a mass flurry of limbs as the X-Men desperately sought to cover their ears, and as one began to chant, "We don't wanna hear this...we don't wanna hear this..."  
  
All of a sudden, Magnus screamed! (Nobody but Charles heard him, of course, because they all had their ears covered.) Boots the monkey, having seen that his beloved friend Dora was in danger, had lunged at Magneto's face and was trying to poke the man's eyes out.  
  
"You leave Dora alone!!!"   
  
"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!!!" Magnus yelled, batting at the flea-bitten simian. But Boots had a death grip on Magnus' chin, and was poking the man's eyes with his free hand for all he was worth (about two cents, by my calculation).  
  
"Good work Boots!" cried Dora, shouting encouragement to the monkey as she began stomping on Magneto's feet and kicking his shins.  
  
"Ow! OW! OWWWW!!!"  
  
"I'm sorry Magnus," said Xavier, who was desperately trying not to laugh, "I would love to help you, I really would, but the power-taker-awayer mechanism has rendered me...well...powerless."  
  
A grey streak suddenly flew into the room and leapt at Magnus. Before Boots could register what had happened, he was on the floor, fighting for breath. Perriwinkle had him in his famous head-lock.   
  
"Eeeeeek!" screamed Dora. "You leave Boots alone!" and she halted her assault on Magnus' already badly bruised shins and ran over to help the monkey.  
  
Perrinkle saw her coming. In the blink of an eye, he released Boots and leapt at Dora. The impact caused the girl to stumble backward, and Perriwinkle jumped off just in time as a screaming Dora fell out of the gaping hole in the wall.  
  
"DORA!!!" cried Boots, and being the mindless moron that he was, leapt out after her.   
  
"Hmmm..." Bob commented. "Maybe we should put up some signs to warn people about the huge gaping hole in the wall. It IS rather easy to miss, after all."  
  
"Good idea Bob!" replied the machines.  
  
The sound of Dora and Boots hitting the pavement three stories below was music to the little cat's ears, and Perriwinkle happily bounded out of the room. He bounced on top of the power-taker-awayer mechanism as he did, causing it to shut off.  
  
It was at this point that the X-Men tentatively unplugged their ears and, discovering that Magneto was no longer talking about Xavier's past love lives, breathed a huge sigh of relief. They were also a little puzzled that Magneto had somehow been defeated, but hey, it was less work for them.  
  
The professor felt a little sorry for Magnus, who was currently limping and rubbing his bruised, swollen eyes.   
  
"Magnus, what say we get you patched up in the infirmary, then go out for some coffee," he suggested.  
  
Magneto was tired and aching, and since he had forgotten what he had been so angry about in the first place, he thought why the heck not and left with Xavier to have coffee at Starbucks.  
  
"Well, I guess that takes care of everything," said Bobby. Then some music erupted out of nowhere as the bug band from the Dora the Explorer show started playing the tune they always do when Dora does something successful.  
  
"EEEEK!!! ROACHES!" Jean screeched. Then she grabbed a can of Raid and let them have it. Some coughing and gagging resulted, and then the bug band was no more.  
  
Now that all the hubbub was over with and Bob and the machines were busily repairing all the damage, the X-Me dispersed to the various parts of the mansion. Hank headed to the bathroom to take have a good, long soak in the tub because, let's face it, if you spent a week in a tree doing reconnaissance, you'd smell bad too.   
  
  
  
* * *  
  
HANK: There. Your story is complete. Are you satisfied now?  
  
ME (grinning): Immensely! But shouldn't the chapter be titled, "PERRIWINKLE to the Rescue"?  
  
HANK (firmly): The current title stays.  
  
ME: Okay, fine.  
  
HANK: I am free to go?  
  
ME: Yes...for now.  
  
HANK (raising an eyebrow): For now?  
  
ME: I still need your help the 'Tail of Two Beasts' sequel!  
  
HANK: Sigh. A muse's work is never done.  
  
  
  
THE END (you can stop twitching now) 


End file.
